Rant of the day
In the past four years my emotions, self confidence, strength and self worth have been tried and tested. This isn’t a sad story or feel bad for me rant. Instead of wallowing in anger and depression I decided I needed to fix who I was not just for myself, but for my daughter’s sake. I mean I am her prime example on how to handle life right? So I need a real good emotional makeover. This all started with an unsuspected pregnancy, breaking up with the father of my daughter, and being a single mother that has to move back home with her parents. I am a very independent person so moving back with my parents was the cherry on top of the self pity sundae for me.
I never really enjoyed reading as a passtime, but for the pass two years reading has become a new hobby for me. I actually go and purchase books now; that has never happened before. I’m not reading Fifty Shades of Grey or Harry Potter. The book I am most proud to have read is Tracy McMillan’s Why You’r Not Married Yet? (The straight talk you need to get the relationship you deserve.) Now the title sounds very feminine and you probably think it’s a dumb book; but do not judge a book by it’s cover nor its title. Tracy does not focus on the men. In this book Tracy focuses on you. Which is exactly what I needed.
Think about it I was the constant variable in every relationship I was in wether it lasted a year or longer. I was attracting the same type of guys, not because they were my type, but I was attracting the type of guys that would mirror how I felt about myself. This realization hit like a sucker punch to the belly. It hurt because it was truth and when a problem comes to the surface or has been brought to your attention it is insane not to fix the problem.
I have heard Oprah and Maya Angelou say “When you know better you do better.” I believe that is because responsibility and accountability are tied to knowledge. Now I know it was me that needed changing and thats what I will do to be a better person, mother and hopefully one day wife. Change isn’t easy, but I’m pretty sure it is more than worth it.
Happy 3rd Birthday to my Lil’ Lady
If I were to die tonight
if I were to die tonight I would be a bit disappointed in my life. I didnt take enough risks. I worried too much, and the risks I did take weren’t worth any value. Safety risks (that’s an oxymoron). If I were to die tonight I would wish I actually believed in myself. I would wish I saw the potential I hold that others see in me. I wish I wasn’t so fragile so I wouldn’t care what people thought of my singing. I wish I wasn’t afraid of my greatness or potential, but I rather I would run after it as if I needed it more than life itself. If I were to die tonight I would hope I can make my daughter proud and I would be a great role model for her. I want to show her to go after her dreams no matter what; Just do it! Believe in yourself, but how can I say that and not do it myself? That makes me a hypocrite. If I were to die tonight I would cry in my grave thinking about the life I was wasted away. Hoping that heaven and reincarnation both exist, so i may have a second chance at a peaceful mind, heart, body and soul. I am not dying tonight, I am simply going to sleep. Tomorrow is my fresh start, my new slate. Time to start investing into the potential that is me, Stevie B.
They say the purest form of vulnerability is when you are naked. Bare showing off every inch of who you are physically. For me my vulnerability is when I stand in front of you and sing. Your ears absorb my voice, your eyes search me up and down, around and around. I quiver because I’m scared because I’m fragile.
What I used to do
Sitting at the park after seeing you, moments of our sweet years pop into my head. Reminding my heart how it feels to head be head over heels in love.
Our hippie love, our easy breezy love; we were insinc, we were in tune with one another. We listened, we understood, we felt each other.
we had a rhythm like we were made together. Our hands, our tongues,our bodies and souls. We had a rhythm
Working for room and board (Taken with Instagram)
Rickie Mia’s big girl bed!!! Thanks Nana (Taken with Instagram)